


What am I Without You?

by thunder_fox_7



Series: Tubbo-centric One Shots :) [3]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Not Beta'd, Toby Smith | Tubbo-centric, also references to not sleeping but it's also not very graphic, and yeah it's a generic title but it fits so whatever, i mean he was grieving what do you expect?, introspective, no one actually dies in the fic but if you want to think they do afterward that's cool with me, no the ideas spawn in my brain go on a doc and then get published no slowing down, the death and suicide is tommy just fyi, there's references to not eating but it's not very graphic, you think i have time for that?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:20:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29014995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunder_fox_7/pseuds/thunder_fox_7
Summary: Tubbo looks his friend in his tear-filled blue eyes and he sees terror. He sees a boy who'd lost everything again and again who had only just recently gotten any amount of it back. He sees a boy filled with fear and trauma barely holding on at the seems. He sees a soldier, a leader, a child. He sees his best friend. He sees-He sees himself.
Relationships: Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, anything else is implied
Series: Tubbo-centric One Shots :) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128623
Comments: 7
Kudos: 158





	What am I Without You?

"What am I without you?"

Tommy's hands are digging into his shoulders, holding him in place where he stands on the Blackstone floor. They're trembling, shaking, but their grip is iron and solid.

Tubbo looks his friend in his tear-filled blue eyes and he sees terror. He sees a boy who'd lost everything again and again who had only just recently gotten any amount of it back. He sees a boy filled with fear and trauma barely holding on at the seems. He sees a soldier, a leader, a child. He sees his best friend. He sees-

He sees himself.

He sees himself, watching his best friend, his brother, lose his life in a duel for a half-formed idea. Blood and water and an arrow, sticking out of his chest as he falls from the path and into the depths of the lake behind him.

He sees himself, frozen in place, screams surrounding him. An arrow flies by him,and when he looks where it went he sees Tommy sprinting away, Wilbur in close pursuit, arrow protruding from his shoulder. Schlatt laughs behind him and when Tommy glances back, there's pure, unadulterated fear in his eyes.

He sees himself, sitting on a bench. Faint music would normally be playing, but times aren’t what they used to be and neither are they. The boy next to him is quiet, resigned, anxious. He tells him about his brother, about his decline, and Tubbo feels his own chest tighten at his friend's predicament. They make a promise, that day, pinkies wrapped around the other's and small smiles on their lips.

He sees himself, standing on a podium, smiling at the audience, new scar mostly hidden beneath his green shirt and worn armor. His sword is at his side and he's the new president, Schlatt is gone and all is well. And then the world erupts, and withers are attacking, and as he strikes one down, ash in his lungs and ringing in his ears, he does nothing but worry about his best friend, who he hasn't seen between the smoke and dust.

He sees himself, standing across from Dream and negotiating his friends punishment, quiet anger simmering beneath the surface. They come to a conclusion, and Tommy fucks it all up, and all he feels is that anger grow, stomped on when he's spoken over and ignored despite being the president. He feels it overflow when he exiles him, only to be abruptly extinguished by the other's quiet calls, downtrodden expression, and sorrowful eyes as he's led away.

He sees himself holding a compass, the words "Your Tommy" carved into one side, needle always pointing in one direction, too far to see the end.

He sees himself finally breaking away from his advisors, from Phil's booming laugh, from the room covered in blood and death scribbled on the walls. He runs toward the portal he knows will take him to Tommy, follows the horrendous stone paths and his memory of how to get there. It's raining when he arrives, and there are craters in the ground and a pit in his stomach that grows to match them when he sees the tower. There's no way down. There's only one way down.

Tommy is dead, and he doesn't know what to do.

He sees himself looking in the mirror, face gaunt and eyes sunken from a week of practically no food and sleep. He sees himself laying in bed for a whole day before deciding he can't do that. He’s the president, and even if he’s fucked up irreparably. He gets out of bed, buttons his shirt and puts on his tie. He holds a funeral. He stands before his people, his friends, his family, and he gives a speech. He doesn't do well but he does better.

He sees himself, staring at dirt because spacing out seems to be a new hobby of his, when another boy, slightly older and a lot taller walks in. Ranboo tells him there's a hostage situation. Tubbo nods, follows the boy, and stops in his tracks. In front of him stands his dead best friend, and he hates him. Tubbo is glad he's alive. He'd rather he be alive and hate him, working with Technoblade of all people, than dead for real. He sees himself hand over the weapon as though from a distance, feels the way his hands shake ever so subtly, and when Tommy turns on him, face cold and set, he smiles at the way his friend never really changes, goes to his room, and sobs.

He sees himself, creating a festival to match the nation's history, participating in jokes and deceptions. And then Dream is there, and obsidian is being placed, and there's been an explosion at the community house. And Tommy's there, yelling at him, and then fighting him (and if Tubbo dies by his friends hand he'd rather it be him than Tommy), and then switching sides. He sees his friend standing before the others, the same and yet so, so different, and himself standing as strong as he could, holding a conversation with Quackity and standing up for Ranboo.

He sees himself looking at Tommy, and Tommy looking at him, a thousand words unspoken hanging between them. Neither are who they were before, and it’s going to take work to get back to that point, if it’s even possible. It probably isn’t, and that hurts, but Tubbo understands.

He sees himself building a new home in the snow, so much like and yet so different to building a new home over a crater, using his bare hands without also directing others to do the same. He sees himself striking deals, arguing, standing up for others, no longer the yes man he used to be. He may still be a pawn, and this may be checkmate in the game Dream’s been playing from the beginning, but at least he’s his own person, now.

When Tubbo looks into Tommy's eyes, he sees himself, dependent on his friend and losing him and learning to stand on his own, however shaky and imperfect. He sees himself redefining who he is- a soldier, a spy, a rebel, a president, a friend, himself.

Tommy's always been so strong, stronger than Tubbo. If Tubbo stands shakily, then Tommy will stand steadier. If Tubbo lost his best friend at his own hand and survived, then Tommy can do it so much better. 

The point is Tommy is strong. The point is Tubbo's been there before, and he had learned. If he must die today, then he's not going to leave Tommy without the only advice he can give. He lets out a small breath, smiles and meets his friends blue eyes with his own.

_What are you without me, Tommyinnit? That's easy._

"Yourself."

**Author's Note:**

> i knew what i wanted to read so i made it myself, so i hope you enjoyed!!


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